October 13th, 2018


October 13--Good night, sleep tight...

I slept fitfully last night. My dreams were like waking life, though I don't quite remember what they were. I think I finally got some good sleep after 2 am. No big deal, as I can always take a nap this afternoon, and don't have much going on during the day. Interestingly, my subject line has nothing to do with my fitful sleep.

Today is the final landscape photography class, where we get to see each other's work. I'm looking forward to seeing what other people saw. One of my friends, who I spent some time with up there, had a card failure and lost all his pictures. Very disappointing for him.

I'm still second-guessing my choices for the portfolio, even though it doesn't really make any difference. They will be up on the screen for a couple of minutes, and then gone, so who cares? Me.

I was on Twitter yesterday, and Jason Isbell posted something about David Crosby. I used to see David Crosby's tweets all the time, and then they disappeared. I went to his twitter site, and discovered that I was banned from the site. I have no idea why, as I don't remember ever interacting with any of his tweets.

I had the strangest response to that. My heart started pounding and I could feel my face become flushed. I wondered what I had done wrong. At the same time, I recognized that it likely had nothing at all to do with me, and that it was an insignificant thing that meant nothing, really. And yet I was having this reaction.

Rejection. It's still such a powerful motivator in my subconscious. Sometimes I think it isn't there anymore, and then it almost overwhelms me. I begin to think that everything I have ever accomplished is just a thin veneer over a mass of failure, and could be washed away at any moment.

That feeling doesn't last long, generally, but it is unsettling, and makes me doubt myself sometimes. Usually it passes and then I don't think about it. That's what I'm waiting for now.

tufa sunset

The last of the Mono Lake shots. This was going to be in my portfolio, but got bumped at the last moment. It was shot about an hour after the sun set, when it became dark enough to capture the stars, though you can still see some light in the west, coming from behind the mountains. It is a 20-second exposure, which is long enough to let the light in, but not so long that you see movement in the stars.

Malida and I are going back up that way next weekend to see if we can capture the fall color. I scoped out all sorts of places when I was last up there, where there are aspens that should be turning. This weekend would probably be better, but we have other plans.