zyzyly (zyzyly) wrote,

  • Music:

February 14--Matters of the heart

I am sitting in the low light listening to music and thinking about whether I want to continue this doctoral program. My head says "no", but my heart is less sure. Or maybe it is the other way around. I ask myself why I want to do this, versus doing other things I love like taking photographs and traveling. Having my summer off to do whatever I want. I don't know. That's what I'm thinking about.

In past experience, when I have been doing something that prevented me from doing other things, once that thing was no more, my desire to do the other things diminished. It's like, when I am in the middle of an assignment, I'd rather be cleaning the house. But I don't really want to clean the house. I just don't want to be doing the assignment.


When I was leaving work today I saw a squirrel sitting on the bench looking at me. One of the professors on the other side of the building (the side with all the rocks and dinosaurs) puts peanuts in his windowsill, so there are always plenty of squirrels hanging around in the general vicinity. Back when I was taking photo classes, we were told that squirrel pictures didn't count for anything, as they were ubiquitous. But I still like photographing them when the opportunity arises. I like squirrels.

When I got home, Malida had a little valentines treat for me--a daffodil, a Hello Kitty card, and some candy. I got her a card and a necklace. Surprisingly, Valentines day is a big deal in Thailand. I remember being there about 5 years ago, and seeing people selling stuff on the streets--mostly for high schoolers and college students, I think.

hello kitty valentine
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Squirrel pictures are everywhere, I think, because the little beasties are the most anthropomorphic of the non-primates. Those poses and expressions could just as easily be on a child. And they also have this habit of freezing for long enough to get a sharp image. I love 'em.
Ya me too. We have some that visit our back yard, and the cats love watching them.
Of course, I don't know whether you should or should not finish the course. But from afar it seems to me that you've come this far, and that those things you miss will be there once you finish the course. It would be super-human not to feel the way you feel sometimes, but as you say, even if you dropped these studies, that does not mean you'd instantly do the photography and other things you love. I wonder if there is a way to regiment Saturdays or some such to
get both hard work on your graduate project, a walk with photography and maybe even an afternoon nap all in, ensuring you are spending some hours on teh grad project, a couple of hours on a walk with a camera, and a few hours resting up from it all each weekend. That won't solve all the hours you'd need for your project, I suppose, but it would ensure that you'd have work/life balance that you miss. Plus, your noodle house Sunday meal would go unaffected.
Thank you for your perspective. This was the first thing I read this morning, and it made me think about how to maintain balance. I press on.
Here's a page from my playbook this week: Do not make rash decisions until spring.
haha yes! thanks!
Yah, mind vs. heart. I guess that'd put it in perspective...

I love how they're like squirrel pictures don't count lol the'.
yeah I had a great pic of a squirrel sitting on a bench eating a Sees candy sucker. "Nope", the instructor said.
Hehehehe... I have a picture of a squirrel putting on Chapstick. Okay, fine, holding a Chapstick.

We almost have enough to start a magazine.
Squirrels count!
Maybe it's the time of year that is making you think those thoughts. Finishing the program will be an accomplishment. After that you can decide what you do.
True--I think it is the pressure to do well.
I think it's fantastic that you have an option about whether to stay where you are or go where you wanna go. That's huge. Most people are stuck and can't leave where they are.
yes--that is another great reminder that it is a gift to be able to continue to pursue my education. I had momentarily forgotten that.
I had a squirrel encounter on Monday, and thought the same thing; that I really adore them!